Sunday, September 2, 2007
2nd sept 2:58am
i feel so lost again!! so ... depressed. i don seems to know how to handle relationships any longer. i made problems worse. made ppl change impression of me. made myself feel so ... -indescribable- ! many times i tried so hard to control my temper and all. but i just cant when i hear ppl telling me how bad i treat em, how upsetting they are that i have done this and that. all i do is pushed blames to em; to him, her, anyone, everyone!
how much i wish i didnt have to go through so many relationships last time. how much i hate myself for being so insensitive, so not understanding, so selfish. many times i had to think abt what i did in the past, what guys did to me in the past, what i do and not deserve in the past... what i didnt have to go through in the past, what i shouldnt even do in the past. it's all over. i made things bad, worse and even worsen em sometimes and made myself a fool to outsiders. i hate myself. hate myself for being nice to them. hate myself for doing so much in the past. the then me, not doing much. just hate myself for being me NOW!
i knew all along i will disappoint him. i have a choice & i choose to make him stay. im really selfish but what to do. i cant make myself imagine him with other girls. to see him dating other girls kills me. you are so right to say i m selfish. i dont know what am i doing either. why did i ignore him? becos he's irritating? becos im bored of him? becos i dont want him to find other better girls? becos i cant live without him? becos i just wanna use him? becos he understands and knows me too well? becos he's so nice to me? becos i dont know how to show care&concern and shower him with love? or is it becos im just PLAIN selfish?! I DONT KNOW. i wanna die. i wanna cry so badly. i wanna be who i used to be. i cant find myself. am i really that pathetic? im really nt a girlfriend material. i should have just remain single or be a lesbian instead. what should i do?
whenever i recalled what he did for me and all. my heart aches. i wanna give him a hug so much to want him to know how much i appreciated him. he really did soo much that i took advantage of him. i guess. & his friend said he's lyk a maid, just becos she saw him helping me clean my hands. why didnt his friend praise me for washing him up after he fell instead? not that i wanna be praised or cleaned him up to get praised. i just wanna show i do care for him. small little comment from HER hurts me. A LOT. why? i dont know either. it just hurt! but she didnt care abt how others feel each time she commented effortlessly when he did nice things for me.
daniel said he will make me strong? and.. did he? no. never. he just left me. maybe i was childish. maybe i didnt understannd him. maybe i was immature. he said he wants to concentrate on his work and studies. ok, i've to accept it. & jus a few months later. there he's! with his new girlfriend. there goes my heart aching again. no one seems to keep their words. i dont keep my words sometimes too. and so i tried not to give empty promises already. what about you guys? dont know.
desmond seems unfriendly, to ONLY ME. he seems to avoid me whenever he could. i dont know why either. maybe i hurt him too much. maybe he didnt lyk the way i treated him last time. he got along well with my friends. got along well with his other ex girlfriend. he just dont lyk me. he just hates me! but then why did he kiss me when he was already attached in the first place? & ignore me after that. acting like as if we didnt meet that night. no one knows abt this. i kept it so long. how much i wanted to tell my friends abt it, to let them know how i feel. i was confused and really sad over it lahs. but i had to keep it shut! or i will make him sound lyk some jerks. why am i doing that. what good do i gain. that kiss was fake. that night was a dream. everything was a pretend. isnt it? i deserve it? perhaps. i think i had a problem. if only i knew what's wrong with me. he'd somehow blacklisted me. don even wanna contact me or meet up with me anymore. i'd tried and tried and failed.. most probably my friends're laughing behind my back for whatever reasons.
everyone hates me. maybe. maybe not. no one seems to bother. i guess. im really tired. im dying....
hmmmm it's so not me to type all this here. but i just had to. thanks for reading. and im sure it will be erased from your memory soon ..... but never from mine.
im okay. i will be all right. good night.2:58am
❤papayaQueen
KristyHadLeftASweetEntry@ 10:06:00 PM.
